Someone asked me a question about how to notice which internal voices are our own, and which belong to other people’s, and how to develop our own voice if we mostly, or only hear other people’s toxic internalized voices.
Thought I’d share in case it’s useful to anyone…
Earlier, my 11yo son was supposed to go on a walk with me. But he didn’t want to go.
And I felt myself getting reactive and I said something mildly shaming. Something like, “I was really hoping you’d honor your word here.”
And he tried to explain that something else came up that was important to him.
I managed to pause for a second to hear a voice in my head: “You have no control over your son.”
This was not my voice. It was my father’s voice.
But this was the voice that fueled my reactivity towards my son.
When I gave that voice my attention, I could remember the times when I was younger and I didn’t keep my word with my father.
I had wanted my father to understand my perspective and I had wanted him to be flexible enough to negotiate with me, but instead he only said, “I’m so disappointed in you.”
This hurt to hear. And he said that a lot.
But the weird thing is, I almost said it to my son.
I had a powerful urge to say it. That awful message was at the tip of my tongue: “I’m so disappointed in you.”
And why?
Bc I think we humans evolved to be programmed by our parents. Our parents/caregivers are the ones who instill within us our first software that we run on.
Ideally, we’d grow up in families that would teach us the skills we need to survive and thrive.
But toxic families install toxic software, and it’s then our new purpose in life to figure out how to uninstall and create new software for ourselves that instills a sense of self instead of a sense of shame.
So, just as I almost used my father’s voice on my son, I often go ahead and use those old voices on myself. And I think they’re mine:
“It’ll never work out for you.” “You missed your chance.” “You’re a disappointment to everyone.” “The stuff you do is just not enough.” “You’re not the valuable person you think you are.”
It’s not only my father’s voice. We live in a society where affirmations for not-being-enough are shouted from the rooftops practically everywhere we go. I sometimes think the bird call of humanity is ‘You’re not enough.’
So to create new voices, I have to separate myself from those old voices. And one way to do that is by being aware of those old voices as distinct from mine.
And by using my current voice to understand where those old voices came from, I’m creating a voice for myself.
Personally, I think writing is a great way to understand the meaning we’ve given to those old voices, and I think writing is a great way to create new voices.
We can create new software for ourselves, one affirmation at a time. And when we voice our affirmations, we begin to make new choices based on the new voices we’re using.
I like to think of it as wiring—I fuel the voices with my attention.
Those old voices have a lot of fuel bc I’ve been giving them my attention so long.
But in time, they’ll run out of fuel if I stop giving them my attention.
And my new voice will start getting more powerful the more attention I give it—by voicing what’s meaningful to me, and by listening to my own voice.
So back to my son—when I was able to access my own voice, I paused and looked at my son and thought of myself at his age—wanting my needs and wants to matter—and I remembered that my son just met a new friend and that’s really important to him.
Without my fathers voice, what was my own experience of my son not wanting to go on a walk?
Big deal.
Bc flexibility is one of my self-created affirmations. And so is ‘context first.’ That way I’m looking underneath the moment for its meaning, instead of comparing the moment to what others might think it *should* be.
Does my son need to prioritize honoring his word in that moment to be a quality person? No, bc teaching him flexibility and to communicate his wants and to negotiate and enroll someone in a new plan is much more important to me.
So basically, by writing down the things I notice about the voices I’ve internalized, as I’ve done here, it strengthens my current voice, bc through writing, I’m using my current perspective to understand these other voices and how they’ve impacted myself and my life.
And this is the kind of exercise that helps me to create a voice of my own.
-JLK
