I think this is why healing is best done when we feel safe. Because when we feel safe, we can reflect on those moments when we didn’t, and maybe even notice that the way we protected ourselves made other people feel not so safe—people that we love, even ourselves.
When we take the time to think deeper about this stuff while we’re feeling safe, we have more clarity to determine whether the people who triggered us were actually a threat to us, or if they just reminded us of a time when we were helpless and didn’t feel safe and had no choice but to shift into survival mode. And we can then offer these parts of ourselves our love and understanding.
When we work to recognize the stuff that activates unsafe feelings within us, it’s as if we’re shining a light on those moments. So, when we encounter these moments throughout our days—whether it’s with our kids or our partners—instead of reacting and shifting straight into survival mode, we have a choice to see what we’ve already illuminated when we felt safe—and maybe even discover that we actually feel safe right now. And that we actually have the skills to problem solve instead of react—skills like self-soothing, and skills like communicating-to-be-understood and listening-to-understand.
When we develop awareness of the parts of ourselves that are still struggling to survive as well as the parts of ourselves that feel safe, we create compassionate connections between all our parts that help us to feel more whole. And when we begin to feel whole, we may realize that we are capable of creating deeper, more fulfilling connections—with ourselves first, and also with others.
