I was thinking about this story so I thought I’d share it again…
When school didn’t work for my son…
Back when my son was in preschool, I was still such a people-pleaser.
And there was one morning when my son just didn’t want to be there. I mean, he never really wanted to be there, but this time, he was crying so hard.
And I was so torn bc his teacher kept telling me how normal it was, that he was fine. But my son was clearly not fine.
Then the teacher (she was actually the assistant teacher) picked up my hysterically crying son and said, “This would be a good time for you to leave.”
And that’s when my inner self stepped in front of my people-pleaser self, and I grabbed my child back and said, “Actually, this is a good time for both of us to leave.” And we left and my son said, “Thank you, Mama.”
I grew up constantly being torn away from what felt natural and into what I was supposed-to-do. And I was told I was ‘fine’ so many times, I couldn’t even begin to count.
And after so many years of this, I began to bury my inner sense of myself, along with the relationship I had with my natural interests and natural feelings of safety and comfort.
My energy went instead to learning how to pretend that I was fine, bc that seemed to be the way to earn acceptance and adoration.
But I wasn’t fine either.
And it took years before I was in a position to bypass all those ”I’m fine’s” and heal what really had never been ok, and heal it on my own terms.
And it took years to recognize that it wasn’t really a reflection of me that I wasn’t fine, but a reflection of all the environments I had been forced into that really weren’t a match for who I was.
But then I had a son. And I didn’t know what the hell to do with him except to put him in the same systems I’d been put in.
But that one day, when he clearly wasn’t fine, it was as if all the younger selves inside me that were finally healing after so many years of pretending to be fine, refused to be ok with what was happening. As if they all spoke up and screamed together: “He’s not fine!!!”
I could practically hear them cheering as I walked my son back to the car that day.
Ideally, in this world, we’d have school systems that would nurture the gifted parts of us, instead of systems that want to mold us into being parts to help the systems work better.
Schools would be gardens for our essences so that our natural perspectives and interests and ideas would be what grows and flourishes out of the school buildings and into our communities.
But such is not the case for many of us. And sure, many kids love school. But many don’t. Mine certainly didn’t.
It still took me a few more years to realize that no matter how much I wished my son would love school, it wasn’t going to happen.
And I finally believed him when he said for the millionth time that school was an unhealthy place for him and that he wasn’t going to be fine, that he couldn’t go back. And finally, I pulled him out.
Maybe one day we’ll find an in-person school that’s a good fit for my son. Maybe one day we’ll find a place where the teachers ask, “Are you fine? No? Let’s talk about what we can do differently so that you can feel fine.”
But for now, my son is exploring his interests, making friends, and learning how to communicate his thoughts and his feelings his way—on his own terms and in his own time.
-JLK
