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When it seems like our kids are keeping their feelings locked inside themselves, it can be upsetting. And we might be tempted to go scrounging around trying to find the perfect key.

But sometimes, sharing a story about our own difficult feelings from when we were their age is just the thing they need to help them better understand what they’re going through.

-JLK

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I’m learning that it’s ok to let things go—the battles, the worrying, the analyzing, the calculating, the trying to control outcomes.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been holding my breath for decades, inspecting every moment for cracks in the dam so I can rush to repair it before it breaks apart and sweeps away everything that I count on.

But I realize more and more, that it’s time to practice letting this job go. It wasn’t a realistic endeavor anyhow, no matter how meaningful and sincere my intention was.

Safety has to begin inside me. I can’t control circumstances. But when I’m steady and centered inside myself, I’m able to respond as the best version of myself.

-JLK

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I read something where a person was being shamed for getting support for their mental and spiritual health, and I thought about what might be under the behavior that I could relate to, and it inspired me to make this illustration…

I used to think it was a sign of weakness to get support. Until I realized I had created the identity of ‘being strong’ to survive the fact that no one ever showed up for me when I needed it.

It was a badge I bestowed upon myself to honor the fact that I had summoned the strength to survive on my own, regardless of who wasn’t there.

But then I burned out and really needed support.

Support from others is not a substitute for my own support, but it reminds me that other people have resources I don’t have access to. Ways of thinking that expand my perspective so that my blind spots aren’t keeping me from seeing the full story of what’s happening within me and around me.

And when I allow other people to support me, it inspires me to want to use my own resources to support others.

That’s how we spread support through the world, so we don’t create new generations that need to muscle through and tell themselves they don’t need anyone, just to survive the fact that no one’s there.

-JLK

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The reason telling someone to ‘suck it up’ isn’t a good long-term solution is because sucking up an upset that’s trying to be released only sucks it back to where it came from until the next upset, when it erupts again, only more upset than it was before.

Instead of teaching our kids to suck up their upsets, maybe we can ask ourselves if this is something we’re teaching our kids bc it’s what we were taught.

And if we are carrying around decades of upsets,

we can ask ourselves… are we comfortable? Are we doing ourselves a favor by carrying all this stuff around? Would it feel better to let some of this shit go, if we had a safe place to do so?

I don’t know about you, but I grew up under the impression that my feelings were a complete waste of everyone’s time. I got eye rolls and looks at the clock and, “Come on, are you really gonna make this all about you? That’s really selfish.”

I grew up with the clear message that my upsets were not only unimportant but unsightly and worthy of contempt. Something others clearly didn’t want around.

So I sucked them up like the garbage I figured they were and I felt them grow into the kind of anxiety that kept me company every moment of the day.

And then I had a son. A son with feelings of his own. And when he got upset, I would get so scared that people would be harsh with him and withhold their love, and I would immediately try to protect him from these other people’s wrath by helping him get over his upsets in the least obtrusive, quickest way possible.

I never actually used the expression ‘suck it up,’ but what I did came from the same place—I just dressed up my discomfort with my son’s upset feelings into ‘helpful negotiations’ and ways to help him reframe his upsets before he was ready to, before he even had a chance to be with his upset feelings.

It took me awhile to notice that his anxiety was growing. And I began to realize that my approach wasn’t the best idea.

It took me awhile to realize that what his upsets needed was an invitation to be upset. And I began to realize that his upset feelings weren’t scary. They were just upsets. And they only got bigger when he got the impression that they weren’t wanted.

Our feelings are important. Really important. Not just to keep to ourselves, but to be shared with others.

Feelings are how we get to understand ourselves and each other better. And they’re worth investing in, bc feelings are the ingredients that grow connections. And connections are the ingredients that grow relationships where safety and fulfillment are priorities.

So if we want to role model another way for our kids to handle their upsets than to suck it up, then we have to figure out what to do with our own.

There are so many ways we can release our own upsets. My favorite way is simply by telling the story of what happened, or by writing a letter about the upset. But a person could go to therapy, make a painting, dance, sing, make a video game, or just sit with the upset for as long as it takes until it turns into something else.

Whatever way we can think of that feels natural, so that the upset feelings get to be expressed authentically, heard, validated, understood and ultimately transformed into something that makes the upset person feel safe, known and fulfilled.

-JLK

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I see a lot of lists describing symptoms of people who lack executive functioning skills and the trouble they have with day-to-day tasks.

And though I get the importance of gaining these sorts of skills, what I rarely, if ever see balancing this conversation, are lists describing conceptual functioning skills or empathetic functioning skills.

Yeah, the person might be missing their appointment, can’t figure out what the fuck to wear, and they’re burning the oatmeal, but I don’t believe these things are happening because the person is dead inside during these times.

Maybe they’re in the middle of daydreaming a story into existence that would melt someone’s heart. Maybe they’re creating associations that could solve problems that’ve never been solved before.

Maybe they have conflict management skills that could turn two enemies into friends. Or the kind of compassion that could help someone see themselves in a new empowering way.

I think it’s important to realize that behind every lagging skill is an applied skill. It just might not be what’s needed for the task at hand. And maybe it’s not a skill that’s currently in high demand. But maybe it should be.

Having all the ducks lined up in a row doesn’t serve any good purpose if the ducks are hollow and miserable inside. Yes, improve skills—communication skills, executive functioning skills, etc, but goodness, please don’t executive function out a person’s natural gifts.

-JLK

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One reason I began to ease up on the demands I placed on my son was not only thinking about how stressful it was as a kid when so many demands were placed on me, but because when I examined the voice I was using to dish out all those demands, it wasn’t entirely my voice.

It was my father’s voice, my aunt’s voice, my stepmothers‘ voices—all the conditioning I had absorbed that tried to convince me what was necessary to have a life that was normal, proper, successful and safe from judgment.

But when I listened to my own voice, all it wanted was to understand what was important to my son, to connect with him as he is, and guide him through grace, love, acceptance, and flexibility.

-JLK

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When I’m on the receiving end of someone’s reactive behavior, instead of internalizing what they’ve said and making it mean something negative about who I am and who they are, I try to remember: this person may have gotten triggered by something I said or did that reminded them of something toxic from their past.

And even though they may be standing right there in front of me, lashing out, they may be protecting themselves without recognizing that they’ve slipped into a portal to their past.

But before I also get reactive, I try to pause and check in with myself to see if I’m also being triggered by my own unresolved upsets from my own past.

And if this is the case, instead of also entering my own portal, I try to see if I can find a bit of compassion for the both of us, and say something validating. Something like, “You know what, if I said anything to upset you, please accept my apology.”

The times I’ve taken this route (and believe me, I’ve tried many other routes) I have watched the other person’s demeanor change, as if they’ve left their past and returned to the present moment with a look of relief, along with their own apology. Which, to me, is something much more pleasant to internalize and carry around.

-JLK

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I made this illustration based on things I’ve been learning on my healing journey, to remind myself and anyone else out there that if you sometimes find yourself stuck in the feeling that you don’t matter, that you do matter. All of you matters. All of you is worthy of understanding, appreciating and healing.

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Shaming doesn’t disappear big feelings, shaming only hides big feelings. Turns them into secrets. Places them on the back burner until further notice to slowly heat up and keep a person from breathing right.

Validation on the other hand allows feelings to be heard and understood, and allows feelings to do what everything likes to do—change into something else—to evolve.

Being with our own feelings and creating safe spaces for others to be with their feelings, lets ourselves and each other experience the seasons of our emotions, and I think this is perhaps one of the greatest gifts there is.

The problem is that many of us parents have a lot of unresolved feelings on our back burners. And many of us are smoldering inside. And now we have these kids with the audacity to have feelings of their own, but we can’t deal with them, because we still haven’t dealt with our own.

And so we shame our kids because that’s the way we‘ve learned how to ‘get rid’ of feelings, and our kids start stacking up their own unresolved feelings on their own back burners and everyone starts to walk around smoldering together.

I think one way to heal this cycle is for us parents to address what’s on our back burners first, one feeling at a time. To bring our feelings to the forefront of our attention, feel them and validate them, whatever they are, so that they can be free.

And then, we can be available to let our children have their feelings without feeling threatened by them. We can welcome their feelings as they emerge and we can validate them, whatever they are, so that their feelings can do what everything wants to do—evolve into the next thing.

-JLK

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Questions I Ask Myself

What my life should look like…

vs.

What my life already looks like…

I thought about this while standing at my kitchen counter shoving food down my throat, while at the same time thinking about cleaning the kitchen.

I had made a meal that actually turned out great. But yet, I was unavailable to enjoy it, bc in my mind, I have been trained to know what enjoyment is by what it looks like, and in this case, I figured it should look like a clean kitchen with a stable-looking person standing in it.

Where did I get this idea?

I think this bill of goods was first sold to me from television and magazines, and then sold back to me again by grown-ups who’d also been sold the same bill of goods.

And the promise and premise of the goods?

Happiness is something that looks like happiness—a still-life to be longed for, pursued, and purchased, if you have the means…

But the truth is, life isn’t still. It’s constantly moving, and moving in flux. And any vision of ‘happiness’ that we have is constantly being mucked up by the reality of life’s internal and external chaos.

But even so, many of us choose to hold on tight to our visions of happiness. And then decide that it must be life’s movement that needs to be controlled, scripted and choreographed, so that it doesn’t keep messing up these still-lives that we are working so hard to assemble.

But what about how we feel? Where do our feelings fit into this bill of goods?

Well, from what I’ve noticed, *to feel* doesn’t look like anything, bc it’s experienced. And it’s experienced privately. And our feelings can’t really be photographed.

And if I do attempt to compare my feelings about the ever-changing-unscripted-and-unchoreographed-movements-of-my-life to what I think my life *should* look like, I’m probably going to experience anxiety.

And I will probably try to cope with this anxiety by continuing to rearrange how things look in my life, since that’s what I’ve been taught happiness is.

And then I will wait for my circumstances to be looked at through another set of eyes and hope that they will agree that my circumstances do indeed resemble what I’ve been sold in that old bill of goods.

But what if I don’t get that stamp of approval? What if the people and circumstances around me keep messing up my attempts to control and mold my chaos so that it looks a certain way?

Well, I’m probably going to continue being anxious, and I’m probably also going to get resentful, burned out and pissed off.

And this doesn’t sound like a very good way to spend the moments of my life.

So what I’m thinking is, to heal from this ever-spiraling cycle, I might want to ditch that old bill of goods and make awareness the priority over happiness.

Awareness is very different from happiness.

You cannot be sold awareness. And awareness cannot be bought. Awareness is something that’s available to anyone who remembers to access it.

It’s noticing the movement and chaos around us and within us, along with our feelings about it.

And it’s deepening our awareness ever so slightly, so that we can suddenly notice that there’s actually some beauty in our chaos, some wisdom and compassion in our chaos, and that our feelings about this chaos can actually move us like poetry.

Awareness is a way to turn abysmal circumstances into scripture, any hole in the wall into an unfolding chapter, and any feeling about it into something profound.

Awareness turns who we already are into the meaning makers of our lives life instead of giving that job over to circumstances, people and contexts that don’t even know who we are.

Awareness shifts our actions from trying to make our lives look a certain way to connecting with the real experiences and feelings within us and around us, and being pleasantly surprised by the unexpected things they have to offer.

—JLK

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Thinking about all the people who’ve been forgotten about and disappointed, again and again. 

Maybe your victories were stepped right over, your milestones neglected, your birthdays postponed. 

If this is you—I feel your pain. 

But one thing I’ve learned that I thought to share, is to make sure not to disappoint yourself. Your own pat on the back is not a cheap substitute. Your own gifts are worthy to give to yourself. 

In fact—nobody knows what you love as much as you do. So please take the time to give yourself what you love. Don’t let your disappointment consume so much of your energy that you wind up neglecting yourself. You are worth your own attention. Your blossoming matters.❤️

-JLK

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It can feel strange and unsettling to cut ourselves free from the constraints of the past… But we can support ourselves by giving ourselves our own kindness, compassion and encouragement.💕

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It’s so easy to get blown off course by a mere look, comment, or tone.

By someone not seeing the sacred parts of ourselves,

when we were so sure they were there.

My whole life, I was the little leaf that was blown and then left alone.

My stability—determined by outside forces.

I didn’t realize instead of living as the leaf, I could live as the tree.

I didn’t realize my values could be the weight

to keep me grounded.

And with flexibility, I could see obstacles

as opportunities for new ways to grow.

-JLK

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Illustration of the day…

I was at my first silent meditation retreat when I realized I needed healing. My entire body was filled with pain I’d been avoiding. I wasn’t sure how I would get through the retreat. I had no one to talk to and no one to help me.

That’s when I realized I had to think of something. So I decided to appoint myself my own nurse, and to think of my body as a hospital.

Because I was the only nurse, I had to do triage. And so I listened for the cries for help within me, and hurried to the bedsides of all those younger selves and listened until I understood, until they felt heard and soothed by my attention.

It was heartwarming at times, even hilarious at others, but mostly I wanted to do what I’d always done: flee. But I couldn’t flee. And staying put was not easy work.

For years I carried a lot of secret guilt and shame, but by the end of the retreat, I began to feel some release.

I began to feel like I was whole—like everyone inside of me had becomes friends, like we were now part of the same team—with my current self, the leader.

We can release pain. On a physiological level.

With the attention of our understanding and compassion, our pain can lose its weight and matter and literally defy gravity, by rising out of our bodies and turning into something else, an ‘it is what it is,’ something that’s no longer held hostage by all the meaning we’ve given it.

These days, I’m unable to do retreats, but I do my best to create mini retreats for myself in the wee hours when there’s no place to run.

I’ve amassed new younger selves, so there’s always healing to be done. And so I listen to the calls of pain within myself and then run to the bedsides of everyone I’ve been with all the love I’ve got.

-JLK

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Thoughts on healing…

There are younger versions of yourself still inside of you.

They may have been dismissed in the past, but when we don’t take the time to let them speak to us today, they get dismissed all over again.

I used to think it was ridiculous and indulgent to speak to my younger selves. Until I realized that’s exactly the impression that the grown-ups from my past gave me.

Our younger selves carry our first glimpses of creativity, our first glimmers of gold from our imaginations, our first best ideas.

Creating a connection with our younger selves connects us to the inspiration that we may be longing for, that may have gotten lost in that original sadness of being dismissed.

-JLK