Sometimes at night, the part of myself that knows more than the rest talks to me through my keyboard. This is one of those conversations.
Of course you avoid your feelings. You were raised by people who avoided their own feelings and then avoided yours bc that’s all they knew how to do.
But now all your accumulated feelings are sitting inside your body and you don’t know what to do with them.
You’ve got anger at all these others for creating unsafe spaces that somehow didn’t take your value into account.
You’ve got sadness bc how awful that there couldn’t have just been peace and joy instead of constant diversions of reactivity and collateral damage.
And you’ve got anxiety bc you’re afraid to make changes bc you fear all you’ll find is the same bs.
And you’re so exhausted by all these feelings that you avoid them, bc that’s what you were taught to do with feelings—avoid those inconveniences by working harder to get someplace better, or going on a screen or eating or buying something to at least have something beautiful or sweet or accomplished to make you feel worthy, fulfilled and comfortable in the meantime.
And be clear—there’s nothing wrong with this kind of coping. These are brilliant acts of self-preservation.
But while you’re avoiding your feelings, those younger versions of yourself are still inside of you feeling betrayed. They’re still waiting for someone to sit with them and validate them. And no one’s showing up.
Instead of your body being a community, it’s a container of unresolved upsets and the price is: the stuff deep inside has no way out and the people in your life who want to get close to you, have no access in.
To me, I think it’s important to do the work that your parents were unable to do, and that’s to go toward your upset feelings — not to fix them, but to activate the principal of compassion and connection, in yourself, for yourself.
So many of us think it’s a waste of time to feel our feelings bc what’s the damn point? It wastes time, it’s indulgent. It doesn’t pay the bills or get us anywhere better.
But connection and compassion are values-based commitments—it’s saying that connecting with what’s really going on inside of you, and finding compassion and understanding, expands your awareness of yourself, creates connection with yourself, helps you discover what’s most meaningful to you, and inspires you to share these things with others.
It’s creating connection and compassion for the sake of valuing connection and compassion.
So when you have difficult feelings taking up a lot of space inside, and you start figuring out how to fix things outside of yourself to make yourself feel better by putting your foot down, or investing in changing other people, or avoiding the discomfort altogether by buying something, eating something, or planning for a different future on the other side of the planet, tell yourself:
“I give myself permission to feel this. To feel all of this—the feelings as well as my ways of coping with all these feelings.”
And repeat this like a mantra: “I give myself permission to feel this.”
This will help you shift from resisting the feeling, which never works to eliminate feelings anyhow, to actually being there for yourself, the way you wished your parents would have been there for you when you were scared and crying in the middle of the night but instead of investing in connection and compassion they said, “Toughen up and calm down. You’re being selfish. Not everything is about you.”
It’s not other people’s trash that you’re carrying.
It’s your disappointment, the betrayal, the unsafe feelings, and the sadness that their behavior caused, compounded over time with each additional hurt.
Give yourself permission to feel it all. And just be there to witness it all without trying to fix it.
Give yourself the time and effort to process your feelings, bc those feelings will teach you a lot about what you need to feel safe, what you need to feel happy, and what you need to feel connected and supported.
You can begin to develop that connected relationship you’ve been longing for by giving yourself these things in the face of your own upset, instead of taking that list of grievances and handing them out to all the people in your life who you wish would be there for you.
Connecting with yourself with compassion for yourself will soothe your discomfort and you will begin to develop a trusted relationship with yourself. Bc you’ll begin to trust that there’s always someone you can count on. That someone called you.
And then, when your kid is upset, instead of avoiding his feelings, you’ll remember that part of yourself that has learned to witness your own feelings, and that part of yourself will now be available to witness your kid’s feelings.
So instead of letting that cycle of avoidance continue, you’ll be merging into a new lane, where the commitment to compassion and connection are valued above everything else.
-JLK
