If you’re someone who’s emerging from toxic cycles, maybe you’ve noticed that it takes a lot of effort to shift lanes into a new way of being.
I think one reason it’s difficult to switch lanes is because in any given situation, especially difficult ones, we may be so used to feeling helpless or disappointed, that we clump every difficult experience we’ve ever had into one big experience, that tells us: “Life is always blowing me off course, why bother to think things could be any different?”
In these moments it may feel impossible to change—like we’d have to physically pick up our vehicle and move it to another place, without even knowing what that place is. And we just give up because our vehicles are just too damn heavy and we’re already exhausted. Better to just stay put and cope in ways that are already familiar and predictable.
But the thing is, in all these stuck moments, what we’ve forgotten is that we actually do have control of the proverbial steering wheel. We can actually get to another place without so much effort. We just need to know how.
Instead of feeling stuck where we are and feeling resigned and sad and mad, we can focus our attention on values that are meaningful to us. With just this subtle shift, we can begin to steer our vehicle, our attention, towards a path that’s already available, right here, that we simply hadn’t noticed or trusted before.
And this new path is literally paved with choices and self talk that are aligned with these values instead of aligned with our history.
It may take some time to feel comfortable with believing that our self-appointed values are more real than our collection of disappointments, but from what I’ve noticed, we humans are such great adapters. We’ve adapted to the idea that we are stuck—so much so that we believe it’s real—so I believe we can adapt to the idea that we are free.
Here are some self talk statements that help me steer my vehicle to a different lane:
I can be a contribution here.
I can reach out for support.
I can self soothe.
I can allow myself to follow through with this idea that brings me joy.
I can allow myself to invest in these things that are life-affirming instead of trying to fix all this broken stuff that’s never really worked anyway.
There is space for me in this world to be who I am.
My body is a punishment-free zone.
I have skills that make a difference.
It’s my purpose to be fulfilled.
-JLK
