I mistook peace as punishment. It was just so plain and quiet. And so I doused it in caffeine and special sauce and wondered why I felt so much worse. And I’ve been trying to find my way back to peace ever since. That delicate little space that always feels like it’s trying to drown me, so that I call for help and spend my last dimes on fancy flotation devices. Only when I’m so tired of running do I just give up and let go and trust that peace will have my back and every time I do, I pray to peace to remind me not to run from it again.
-JLK
A conversation at 2am with the wiser part of myself…
You hear me now? How calm I am?
Yes.
Well, I’m not like that with my son lately. I get so mad at him and I lash out and the worst part, I feel so justified.
Well, you are justified.
What?!
Seeing him, seeing the way he behaves, of course you feel justified with the reaction you’re having.
So what do I do?
See him differently. When you’re seeing him as a difficult, mean, ungrateful child, of course you’re going to lash out. Because you need to stop that kind of behavior. Immediately. But if you were to see him as a kid, relatively new at life, not knowing how to manage his energy, not knowing what to do with his sadness, his discomfort, not knowing how to manage his friends’ behavior which can be so hurtful, all while he’s being asked to complete tasks he’s having lots of difficulties complying with... If you saw him as someone struggling, who would you want to be with him?
That breaks my heart. You’re so right. I’d want to be gentle. I’d want to know more. I’d want to make sure he knew I accepted and loved him no matter what. I’d want to tell him he’s not alone.
Yes.
But how do I change my lens?
Ahh. Now that’s the trick—how to keep those empathy lenses at arms length so you remember they’re there, before you grab those other lenses that see everything wrong and out of control, those lenses that tell you you’d better fix this problem right now, or else.
Yeah. So how do I do this?
You start with yourself.
Myself?
When you’re wearing those lenses that see everything wrong... guess who you’re seeing first?
Who?
Yourself. Let’s do the test. When he’s behaving in those ways, what do you make it mean about yourself?
That I’m a bad mom. That my father wouldn’t approve. That no one “successful” would approve. That I don’t want to fail as a mom. But that I’m failing. And that I better fix the situation and make things different right now, or else.
Yep. And where do these beliefs come from?
Where?
They come from all the times someone saw your “bad” behavior and wore their “something’s wrong“ lenses instead of their empathy lenses.
You’re treating your son the same way you were treated.
That makes me hate myself.
But that’s more of the same toxic belief system. Bc how can you connect with your son through empathy when you hate yourself?
Not very well.
That’s right. To shift to wearing empathy lenses with your kid, you have to see yourself through them first. Try it.
Ok. Through my empathy lenses, I see that I’m trying really, really hard to do the right thing. I see that I’ve been really worried about the future. I see myself not wanting my son to have a rough time like I did. And on top of that, I see I haven’t been feeling great physically. That I don’t have much support. And yet, I see how I never give up. And you know, I also see that I’m growing so much. Becoming aware of so much more than I ever have. I see how my son is my whole world and how I’m damn proud of who he is and you know what? I’m damn proud of who I am too. Look what I’ve been through and yet I’m still here improving things, trying to create new things and also appreciating more and more what’s already here.
Beautiful. Now look at your son through those lenses.
Yes. I get it now. He’s been through a lot too. And he never gives up either on what matters to him. And I see him sharing himself in new ways and trying things out in new ways and figuring out who he is and who others are in relationship to him.
Yes.
It feels a lot better to see myself and my son through empathy lenses.
Of course it does. And here’s the thing—when you keep practicing and getting used seeing yourself and your son through those empathy lenses, seeing through those harsher lenses will start to feel pretty icky. And it’s that icky feeling that will be your reminder to shift lenses. Because you’ll grow less tolerant of it. Bc you’ll remember how much more expansive and fulfilling the feeling of acceptance is. And you’ll remember, without any doubt, that you don’t deserve to be punished for being human. And neither does your son. You both deserve peace.
Thank you.
You don’t need to be perfect. Just keep practicing. I believe in you.
-JLK
If someone says something and you suddenly feel clenched and upset and disconnected, try asking yourself, "How much do those words really weigh?"
Then take out a metaphorical scale in your mind and find out.
Whenever I do this, I'm often surprised that even though at first, the person's words seemed so heavy and significant, on the scale, they hardly weigh a thing.
So before you start lugging around a huge burden, put it on the scale and find out how much it really weighs to you.
-JLK
Of course I’m not saying to ignore where we need extra supports and accommodations. Every member of my family has ADHD behavior.
But what I’m thinking about that I personally believe, is that environments need to be assessed as often as individuals, to determine whether the people who inhabit these environments are thriving or stressed out.
And that new environments need to be created for those people who aren’t thriving or functioning well in their current environments.
That way kids and adults aren’t forced to comply through behavior mod, they instead have the option to access environments that are more of a match for who they naturally are.
Yes, much easier said than done.
-JLK
Some kids go along with the program and some are the canaries in the bullshit mine.
They sense when anything’s done for show. They question the intention of each demand you’ve asked them to comply with. They remind you of the stories you’ve shared from your own childhood and ask why you’re insisting they comply with the very things that once caused you anguish. They demand us to deconstruct what we believe is normal, and if we refuse, they’ll ask how we expect them to be flexible when we’re not even willing to bend enough to see their point.
But if we are willing to consider their point, we might find ourselves in a funny predicament, asking ourselves: “Why HAVE I complied with all this bullshit my whole life?”
And then, together, we can think about the possibility of shifting our expectations from the ones we’ve inherited to one’s that actually serve what’s most meaningful to who we really are.
Giving our demand-avoidant kids the skills to authentically communicate-to-be-understood and follow through with what’s meaningful to them is different than giving them the skills to mask and be compliant to earn other people’s validation.
-JLK
Do you ever sit around filled with regret for mistakes you’ve made in the past? Here’s why that’s a punishment you don’t deserve.
.
Every “mistake” you made was to cope with a problem or an unmet need that you had no skills yet to creatively cope with or get support with. And guess what—each mistake you made was a thread in your growth that created the dynamic person you are now, with intricate patterns of nuance, wisdom and humility.
.
We’re not born with skills. We learn them through our experiences. And for many of us, our first experiences were not growth-based, but shame-based. And you did your best to escape these confines and constraints that you were given as best as you knew how to, no matter if anyone saw them as constraints or confines but you.
.
And now you’re learning skills to cope creatively. You’re owning your wisdom, you’re granting yourself grace and understanding. And you’re sharing these skills so that others can begin to heal sooner than you did.
.
And if you want some spiritual justice? Look at other people making mistakes with the unhealed parts of themselves and instead of shaming them or taking their behavior personally, extend some compassion their way. Even if it’s just a faint whisper from your heart to theirs.
-JLK
If you're feeling so overwhelmed and you can't even remember why—bc that's how many tentacles of worry you've got flailing all around you—something that can sometimes help is to stop generating the SOS call and alter the signal—instead of feeling helpless and needing something, who even knows what—we can send out different signals: we can emanate love, emanate peace, emanate compassion and good humor, for ourselves and others.
Whenever I remember to try this, I feel how the shift completely changes the chemistry of my moment. This isn't a way to solve problems. Or a way to avoid problems. It's a momentary respite, within which you may discover that some things are actually ok, and build some new thoughts from there.
-JLK
Go easy on yourself. Please don’t clump your healing into yet another thing you think you have to achieve asap to get someplace better fast. Those messages of “more” “better” “now” are so pervasive. But what I’m realizing is healing begins with “acceptance now” and creating from there.
Even if you don’t want things to stay the same, to me, it’s important to accept what’s happening right now in order to really understand what in fact is happening. Not just our upset about it, not just our longing for better situations, but examining the ingredients of what our current situation is made up of.
That way we can truly understand what’s not working for us and begin to imagine what it would look and feel like if things *were* working according to our own standards.
We can ask ourselves, “What might I insert into this moment right now so it’s more aligned with what’s meaningful to me? Maybe sharing more of who I am in my community? Maybe creating something new in my community based on who I am? Maybe finding some more support from
someone who has skills where I don’t yet have skills?”
It’s hard to get someplace else when we’re giving ourselves a hard time. We need to build ourselves up and appreciate who we already are right now and then insert those most authentic parts of who we are into our current environments and see how our environments slowly begin to transform.
-JLK
Did you know that there’s not an intrusive thought you could have that would make you a bad or unworthy person?
Some people are very good internal hearers. They hear everything going on inside of their minds.
But the thing is, the stuff in our brains is not always our own. Our brains are a recorder of everything we’ve ever internalized—everything we’ve ever heard and seen and experienced.
So if you’ve got good internal hearing and you don’t like what you’re hearing and you’re trying to clean up your brain of that noise?
Well, that’s about as useful an endeavor as cleaning up the internet. Stuff is in there. And to stop taking it personally, you’ve got to reframe it.
For instance, if you hear something disempowering or mean or maybe something lewd or crude or just plain scary, be curious.
Don’t stand guard and pull out specific sound bites and make them mean something bad about who you are. We’re complex beings—a container of surviving animal and eternal spirit, of healed and unhealed parts, constraints and possibilities, inspiration and insecurities. And what we focus on is what we’ll see.
So if you pull a sound bite from the data bank of your mind and put yourself on trial for having it, does that make any sense?
You’re giving that random sound bite prime real estate in your awareness.
If you want to give it attention, do so as a detective or as an explorer or an even as a compassionate triage nurse—observe, identify, study its origin—and then insert some humor and compassion and reassurance.
When I think of the databank of my mind like my own personal internet, it helps me to remember that I’m the one who gets to search for the kind of content that supports my self-created, deliberate values.
Just as we share the earth with healed and unhealed behavior, peacemakers and war makers, with things toxic and things wholesome, and everything in between, all that stuff also exists in the microcosm of our brains.
Your awareness is what you notice, and your level of understanding determines what you‘ll choose to make it all mean.
You are a complex wonder! Give yourself some appreciation! Use your amazing databank to create something that represents your favorite parts of who you are!
-JLK
When we’re neglected as kids, there’s a good chance we’ll neglect ourselves.
It’s not the behavior of ‘neglect’ that’s inherited. It’s the reason behind it.
While our parent was out looking for the approval and love they never received, and left us alone, we also began the search for who might give us the validation, approval and safety that we were longing for.
And the search begins for a center outside of ourselves, bc we have no orientation inward to see the immense capacity we have to give these things to ourselves.
The thing we inherit is the idea that we’re intrinsically empty. Which of course isn’t true. It’s just that no one ever ‘saw’ us, so we didn’t know we were really there.
And then we grow into adults, disappointed that we’re STILL surrounded by people who aren’t willing or able to give us what we really need.
Until at some point, we finally begin to recognize that WE are actually who we need. And who we are is centered inside of us. In a space we’ve rarely inhabited. And we discover that our being is alive and waiting for us to be with it.
And so we reorient ourselves inward, and our awareness of ourselves begins to deepen and even surprise us, and we begin to give ourselves the validation and encouragement and safety we’ve been longing for. Because we finally get that we’re worth it.
And maybe we suddenly turn around and notice that our children have been right there, wondering if we see the magic of who they are.
And we smile bc we do see them now, and we let them know that who they are matters so much.
And an old cycle stops churning in favor of a new cycle—one that honors the fullness of our being.
-JLK
Not sure anyone will relate to this one, but I thought of it while carrying on several conversations with my deceased mother today.
A little holiday humor. perhaps based in reality :)
